Failing.

I feel that I have titled this post so strongly that I may as well just publish it as simply as that - failing. Thanks for reading, folks, I have failed and that's it :)
Of course I'm far too wordy to leave it at that, so I will elaborate. The first reason for this title is that I have failed at blogging, due to the fact that I've been failing at a lot of things as of late. I know it's probably been crushing to my massive fan club of maybe 7 people that even know this blog exists, and for that I apologize. I adore blogging but have been in such a dark place that blogging has seemed like a lot more of a burden to me than it should have. However I certainly regret not making it a priority, as writing on here seems to put me at ease. It is such a beautiful way to exhale and express what is in my heart.

So yes, once again, I have failed. I have allowed the stress of life to overwhelm me. I have put too much stock in perfectionism, in pouring myself into school work, that I have taken no time for myself to just be in the presence of God. I have spent all my free time either applying to colleges or sleeping because I have successfully worn myself out. My weekends seem to be the only brief moments of oxygen in an otherwise carbon dioxide-filled ocean. I do not fault anyone or anything for this...yes, my schedule is busy, but there are many with busier schedules, higher stress levels, and more pressure placed upon them. But I put so much pressure on myself. I am the problem. I am the one who pushes myself to feeling inadequate so that I must perform with more excellence and more hard work. This only exhausts me and leaves me feeling completely drained. Just today I laid down for a quick rest and slept for 3 hours straight, afterwards still needing to drag myself out of bed.

I'm a mess, and I know exactly why...
My priorities are not in order.
My first priority has been schoolwork; working hard at studying, reading, etc. - and it is sickening to me, as senioritis has completely overtaken me. Other "duties" such as work, exercise, and practice have also been my priorities. Farther down on the list have been my family, myself, and my Jesus. When the One who is most important to me is appearing low on the list, we know we have a problem.

So tonight, I heard a song that literally brought me to tears. I was feeling overwhelmed - exhausted and sick, with plenty of homework left and an exercise class to teach - but as I left the house, this song on the radio was perfect as I drove through the pouring down rain. It is an older song, called "Better than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant and these lyrics particularly stood out to me.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

I have felt miserable, I have been a mess, and my heart has been broken. I have felt empty, and as I poured that out to the Lord tonight, He thought it was beautiful. More beautiful than a hallelujah. Because my tears were not a show; I wasn't merely singing words on a screen or reading through my Bible mechanically. I was giving Him my heart, my pain, my selfishness and sin, and asking Him to be my everything. For the umpteenth time I asked Christ to take the wheel, because whenever I start steering, I end up exhausted and feeling like my time has been wasted on this world rather than storing up treasures for eternity.

So there's where I'm at. And I can honestly say I know I'll be back here sooner than before, because I'm ready to be. I'm ready to make this a priority because I know it is healthy.
I apologize for the lack of inspiration or insight in this post; tonight you just get to hear my heart.
So here's to honesty, to being authentic, and to constant brokenness. May we only grow ever closer to Christ in our inability to do it by ourselves.

Pour out your miseries to Him. He thinks that's more beautiful than a melody.
Make Him your first priority.