So I am in the midst of reading a hideous novella called Heart of Darkness for the English class I am taking (and am enthralled with, btdubs); however, this novella...well, to put it bluntly, it's incredibly dull and it basically sucks. Not that Joseph Conrad isn't a brilliant writer; his use of language is absolutely incredible. But the plot...the narration...the endless stream of words on every page...is driving me insane. Having to read 50 straight pages of it doesn't help much either, for that matter. P.S. the novella centers on the corruptibility of humanity...personally, to add to the desperation of the situation, I'm just not really feeling that depressing theme.
That being said, I find myself escaping the misery that is Heart of Darkness and entering into a world of rest; aka blogging. Ah. Deep breath. Hence the title of this blog...loosening. Technically, I suppose it would be loosening UP, but of course I could never forsake the way I've been titling each post. Heaven forbid I stray from my own archetype.
This is one of those moments I wish I was hysterically funny, and could write a super witty blog that my massive fan club would relish and enjoy. But as that is clearly not going to be the case, I still want to keep this blog lighthearted. And I shall, to the best of my ability.
I am enthralled by some of the simplest things in life. I feel like we (note including myself here), in the business of our everyday lives, become so overwhelmed by the task at hand that we cease to notice the beautiful, intricate details. Like a physics teacher going off on a (hilarious) bitter harangue about American gas mileage. Or the blessing of being able to give a struggling family a special gift. Or a beautiful smile from a friend that we so often take for granted.
In our stress, we fail to notice this brilliance that God has blessed us with undeservedly. We do not enjoy the immeasurable beauty we see every day. It could be as simple as a pianist's melody we've heard or a stellar quote we've read. I know I get so caught up in the ugliness of life - illness, schedules, studying - that I overlook all the blessings God has given me just because He wanted to.
He loves us, and out of that love comes the desire for us to thrive - to be lifted up on the heights (Habakkuk 3:19) and given more than we could ever hope for.
So inhale. Relish. Delight. Enjoy. Rest. Make the most of this life, and cherish each intricate detail that the Grand Weaver has to beautifully knit together.
Back to Heart of Darkness I return...with a new prospective of hope for all the details that it holds.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Failing.
I feel that I have titled this post so strongly that I may as well just publish it as simply as that - failing. Thanks for reading, folks, I have failed and that's it :)
Of course I'm far too wordy to leave it at that, so I will elaborate. The first reason for this title is that I have failed at blogging, due to the fact that I've been failing at a lot of things as of late. I know it's probably been crushing to my massive fan club of maybe 7 people that even know this blog exists, and for that I apologize. I adore blogging but have been in such a dark place that blogging has seemed like a lot more of a burden to me than it should have. However I certainly regret not making it a priority, as writing on here seems to put me at ease. It is such a beautiful way to exhale and express what is in my heart.
So yes, once again, I have failed. I have allowed the stress of life to overwhelm me. I have put too much stock in perfectionism, in pouring myself into school work, that I have taken no time for myself to just be in the presence of God. I have spent all my free time either applying to colleges or sleeping because I have successfully worn myself out. My weekends seem to be the only brief moments of oxygen in an otherwise carbon dioxide-filled ocean. I do not fault anyone or anything for this...yes, my schedule is busy, but there are many with busier schedules, higher stress levels, and more pressure placed upon them. But I put so much pressure on myself. I am the problem. I am the one who pushes myself to feeling inadequate so that I must perform with more excellence and more hard work. This only exhausts me and leaves me feeling completely drained. Just today I laid down for a quick rest and slept for 3 hours straight, afterwards still needing to drag myself out of bed.
I'm a mess, and I know exactly why...
My priorities are not in order.
My first priority has been schoolwork; working hard at studying, reading, etc. - and it is sickening to me, as senioritis has completely overtaken me. Other "duties" such as work, exercise, and practice have also been my priorities. Farther down on the list have been my family, myself, and my Jesus. When the One who is most important to me is appearing low on the list, we know we have a problem.
So tonight, I heard a song that literally brought me to tears. I was feeling overwhelmed - exhausted and sick, with plenty of homework left and an exercise class to teach - but as I left the house, this song on the radio was perfect as I drove through the pouring down rain. It is an older song, called "Better than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant and these lyrics particularly stood out to me.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
I have felt miserable, I have been a mess, and my heart has been broken. I have felt empty, and as I poured that out to the Lord tonight, He thought it was beautiful. More beautiful than a hallelujah. Because my tears were not a show; I wasn't merely singing words on a screen or reading through my Bible mechanically. I was giving Him my heart, my pain, my selfishness and sin, and asking Him to be my everything. For the umpteenth time I asked Christ to take the wheel, because whenever I start steering, I end up exhausted and feeling like my time has been wasted on this world rather than storing up treasures for eternity.
So there's where I'm at. And I can honestly say I know I'll be back here sooner than before, because I'm ready to be. I'm ready to make this a priority because I know it is healthy.
I apologize for the lack of inspiration or insight in this post; tonight you just get to hear my heart.
So here's to honesty, to being authentic, and to constant brokenness. May we only grow ever closer to Christ in our inability to do it by ourselves.
Pour out your miseries to Him. He thinks that's more beautiful than a melody.
Make Him your first priority.
Of course I'm far too wordy to leave it at that, so I will elaborate. The first reason for this title is that I have failed at blogging, due to the fact that I've been failing at a lot of things as of late. I know it's probably been crushing to my massive fan club of maybe 7 people that even know this blog exists, and for that I apologize. I adore blogging but have been in such a dark place that blogging has seemed like a lot more of a burden to me than it should have. However I certainly regret not making it a priority, as writing on here seems to put me at ease. It is such a beautiful way to exhale and express what is in my heart.
So yes, once again, I have failed. I have allowed the stress of life to overwhelm me. I have put too much stock in perfectionism, in pouring myself into school work, that I have taken no time for myself to just be in the presence of God. I have spent all my free time either applying to colleges or sleeping because I have successfully worn myself out. My weekends seem to be the only brief moments of oxygen in an otherwise carbon dioxide-filled ocean. I do not fault anyone or anything for this...yes, my schedule is busy, but there are many with busier schedules, higher stress levels, and more pressure placed upon them. But I put so much pressure on myself. I am the problem. I am the one who pushes myself to feeling inadequate so that I must perform with more excellence and more hard work. This only exhausts me and leaves me feeling completely drained. Just today I laid down for a quick rest and slept for 3 hours straight, afterwards still needing to drag myself out of bed.
I'm a mess, and I know exactly why...
My priorities are not in order.
My first priority has been schoolwork; working hard at studying, reading, etc. - and it is sickening to me, as senioritis has completely overtaken me. Other "duties" such as work, exercise, and practice have also been my priorities. Farther down on the list have been my family, myself, and my Jesus. When the One who is most important to me is appearing low on the list, we know we have a problem.
So tonight, I heard a song that literally brought me to tears. I was feeling overwhelmed - exhausted and sick, with plenty of homework left and an exercise class to teach - but as I left the house, this song on the radio was perfect as I drove through the pouring down rain. It is an older song, called "Better than a Hallelujah" by Amy Grant and these lyrics particularly stood out to me.
We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.
I have felt miserable, I have been a mess, and my heart has been broken. I have felt empty, and as I poured that out to the Lord tonight, He thought it was beautiful. More beautiful than a hallelujah. Because my tears were not a show; I wasn't merely singing words on a screen or reading through my Bible mechanically. I was giving Him my heart, my pain, my selfishness and sin, and asking Him to be my everything. For the umpteenth time I asked Christ to take the wheel, because whenever I start steering, I end up exhausted and feeling like my time has been wasted on this world rather than storing up treasures for eternity.
So there's where I'm at. And I can honestly say I know I'll be back here sooner than before, because I'm ready to be. I'm ready to make this a priority because I know it is healthy.
I apologize for the lack of inspiration or insight in this post; tonight you just get to hear my heart.
So here's to honesty, to being authentic, and to constant brokenness. May we only grow ever closer to Christ in our inability to do it by ourselves.
Pour out your miseries to Him. He thinks that's more beautiful than a melody.
Make Him your first priority.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)